Sometimes I wake up at early hours of the morning with a feeling of despair & sadness and I just can't put my finger on why. Is it my past coming back to haunt me? I asked God for forgiveness years ago and I know he threw my past sins into the 'sea of forgetfulness' , but it really is not that easy for me to just try and magically pretend that things that happened never happened.
Oh, I know they happened and believe me I have others around me to remind me in ways that they don't even know that they're doing it. But I know. I can tell. But is it through me that they are testing my faith, or their own? Are they trying to pry into my soul to see if I'm for real, or are they trying to justify the way that they feel inside ?
It's like some people don't want to believe the concept of a God, but there is something inside them that wants to know why others do. They're not content until they can somehow bring you down to their level and knock you off your so called "Holier than Thou" pedestal.
Why is this? Now that's a question with an answer that would end wars. I heard something once that makes alot of sense to me. Just like a plant needs stinky fertilizer to grow, so do we. So all this smelly, stinky stuff happening around me is God's way of fertilizing me to make me grow stronger!
Maybe I should thank these people instead of feeling ill of them. No, I dont think so, but I will thank my Lord and Savior for staying by my side and not giving up on me.
Gino
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